A Brexit Christmas Carol

Alex Turner
10 min readJan 7, 2023
Source: midjourney

All across the country, ordinary, hard-working folks are taking down their Christmas decorations, winding up fairy lights, and packing away what little festive joy they had mustered for this season into small little boxes to store in their attics* (if they are fortunate enough to have an attic, or a home, or decorations, or anything, frankly).

It’s 2023.

The word of the year is Yaaargh — a beautiful portmanteau of Yaaay! and Aargh! — perfectly capturing the sentiments of these times.

But wait.

Someone, or something, is watching.

Who is it?

Why, it is Rishi Sunak, of course. Brought here by the Ghost of Christmas Future. His name is not important — after multiple handovers, all the roles have blended into one. So for argument’s sake, let’s call this person Scrooge, for he leads the most miserly of mean-spirited cults — the Conservative Party.

Why did the Ghost of Christmas Future bring him here? Where did they find him? How did they drag him here? What day even is it? Who am I?

There are so many unanswered questions.

But as we all know by now, the Ghosts of Christmas Carol care little for answers nor timelines, and today, nor shall we.

What is important is this: A Christmas Carol is a tale of change, reformed characters, and redemption.

And so this is precisely what we shall focus on.

Now let’s rejoin our characters to discover what the Ghost of Christmas Future is trying to teach Scrooge.

Scrooge, leader of the Tory Parties, maths enthusiast and almost-billionaire, is peering at an image of an abstract crocodile opening its mighty jaws. Frankly, the lines are a little shaky, and Scrooge wonders if it was drawn by kids. He makes a mental note to bring up enforced maths education sooner in his manifesto.

Exasperated, the Ghost of Christmas Future bellows at Scrooge, “STEP BACK, YOU IMBECILE! Can you not see the bigger picture? The WORDS?”

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Alex Turner

Founder, feminist, entrepreneur, coffee + self care